The Postscript.

"You'll understand more next year."

As someone who really likes to know everything, this statement bugged the hell out of me during my Junior year. Many of my friends were Seniors, and I found myself unable to completely relate and empathize with them about what graduating from Covenant really meant. I also find empathy and relating with others to be my strong suit, so it was an even larger blow to my pride to be completely stumped at what to say when these close brothers and sisters were telling me about the fear, uncertainty, and frustration they were encountering.

Fast forward one year.

Ohhh. I get it now. You mean, walking across the stage and getting that sheet of paper (which is really just a sheet of paper -- you have to go "backstage" and get your real diploma afterwards) doesn't mean you're set for a while? Let's be honest. I like to have all my ducks in a row at all time. I'm a planner. I'm organized. I'm Type-A, and I'm damn good at it. But this... this has been a huge lesson in humility and contentment.

I will say that some aspects of graduating that people told me would be difficult probably are not going to hold the same weight for me (buying groceries, cooking, paying rent). I haven't lived at home since high school. But the deeper issues of where my significance is found, pride, and situational discontentment are still stumping me.

On the morning of May 6th, as I looked around my packed room on Lookout Mountain, I could just feel it. "Oh no. You just graduated from college and are about to undergo a whole bunch of change. Bring on the existential crisis." Yes, I'm dramatic and I don't deal well with change, so I kinda knew this was coming anyway, but that didn't help me while I was in the middle of it. The two weeks after graduation were a bit of a blur. I was really depressed. I didn't want to see anyone or do much of anything because I was lost in my thoughts and my own world of discontentment. "What does this stupid sheet of paper that says "Bachelor of Arts" really mean? Why am I not going to graduate school in the fall? Why am I living in Chattanooga, of all places? I'm really smart, my GPA is really high, my resume is baller-status, and I did a ton of extra-curriculars -- why don't I have a full time job?" I couldn't stop thinking about all of this and how miserable I was to not be doing "significant" things. Let's be honest, it's much easier to tell someone that you're interning at Yale for the summer than to tell them that you're a recent college grad with a degree in Psychology, looking for work. The former tends to roll off the tongue with greater ease.

If you're looking me to give you a wonderfully positive answer to those philosophical and real-world questions, then you're looking in the wrong place. I'm not going to give you some cliche, Christianese bullshit about how this time in my life is all within God's plan because I'm his child and he has a wonderful plan for my life, blah, blah. Truth is, I really don't know the answers to those questions, and I'm still in a bit of an existential crisis. But I'm coming out of the emotional and mental slump I was in. Why? Because I've got some damn good people in my life who have reminded me that I am loved and accepted by Him no matter what I do. Even if I feel like I'm wasting my time (which I still do think, by the way). Also, I'm starting to see this "floating," or "in-between time" as an opportunity to grow in personal humility, which I truly need to seek after if I really seek to be of great use in the Kingdom. My own pride and desire for significance in the eyes of man is a huge impediment in my ability to recognize my significance in His eyes. This is temporal. Ah. A stanza from "Only One Life, Twill Soon Be Past" by C.T. Studd comes to mind:

Give me Father, a purpose deep, In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep; Faithful and true what e’er the strife, Pleasing Thee in my daily life; Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

That's basically my prayer right now. God has been faithful to me over the past month and a half, even though I've been questioning His every move in my Life. I guess that means He's going to be faithful in the future -- at least that's what I tell other people.

Everything's definitely not perfect right now, and I'm still wrestling with God regarding some of those questions I mentioned above (and more). And it's a HUGE blow to my ever-growing ego to not be doing something I can brag about to others. But, right now, in this fleeting moment, I'm clinging to the truth that my significance is found in Him, and Him resurrected, and not in what I do.