Forgiveness.

I am the least qualified person to make any sort of post on forgiveness, so I apologize in advance that I am not an expert on that which I will discuss in detail.

If you know me, or anything about my personal life, then you know that I am a man of extremes. No, I am a man of extreme extremes. A friend once told me once over sushi (not a direct quote), "Rashad, when you love, you love so very deeply and it's great. But when you hate, you really, really hate..."

That friend boldly loved me by telling me blunt truth. I have numerous people that I love, and love deeply. If you're one of these people, I guarantee to you that you know it. But, on the opposite end of that spectrum, there are a couple of people that I hate. I know I hate them and I hate my hatred. But it's there, and it paralyzes me spiritually and emotionally. My motives behind my hatred are bitterly entangled in numerous conflicts, hurt feelings, arguments, etc. But, I've been learning lately that at the root of all of this is. . . sin.

My hatred of other people is absolutely sinful. Yes, I have been sinned against, and that is wrong; but also, I have sinned (and am sinning) against those people by not forgiving him. Dr. Dan Allender, in his book, Bold Love, puts it like this:

If forgiveness, fulfilled in reconciliation is to occur, evil must repent with clarity and conviction. (p. 251)

If forgiveness is defined as a continuing process of hungering for restoration, revoking revenge, and offering good gifts, then we are to forgive until there is reconciliation. But reconciliation should not occur until there is repentance. (p.251)

I like that Dr. Allender uses the terms forgiveness, reconciliation, repentance, and restoration in easily identifiable, different terms. I tend to jumble all of those aspects into one, neglecting the complexity of love.

Forgiveness is active and this repentance requires a humility that cannot come from me. I mean, offering good gifts? I can barely look at those I hate without judging and feeling my blood pressure rise. How am I to offer them good gifts? And then there's that statement, "forgive until...." It seems to me that forgiveness may lend the forgiver out to dreadful abuse. But, at the same time, I know that that is a lie from Satan that he wishes to use in order to entangle me in more sin and less repentance. My road to forgiveness begins with humble repentance, and grace shall abound from there.

In the midst of all of this, I know that I must remember the Gospel, which forgives horrible sinners, like me, and those people I hate, regardless of the offense and no matter how deep it may cut. Christ continually offers His children restoration, does not seek revenge, offers us an abundance of treasures in heaven, and will continually pursue us until the day of completion. He does this, even though we spit on him daily, flippantly brushing off his vast forgiveness.

I'm reminded of this stanza of How Deep the Father's Love for Us as I type this post:

Behold the Man upon a cross
My guilt upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

Father, enable me to love as deeply and humbly forgive and be forgiven, just as You have done for me and for them.

iRead.

I stopped sleeping.

If anyone cares, here is my summer reading list, which is open for suggestion (especially from Josh Johnson or Hannah Vanbiber):

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis
The Prodigal God by Tim Keller
Crazy Love by Francis Chan
Epic by John Eldridge

Feel free to suggest away.

I Don't "Chill."

Listening to: Nickel Creek


Ah, it tastes like a South Carolina summer. The humidity in the air, the false politeness, and graduations looming around the corner. Two years ago, I was on the other side of most of that. It's amazing what two years on a mountain will do to you.

Ever since I've been back home, I've been in kind of a funk. Trust me, the rest has been absolutely wonderful. However, I'm just finding myself unmotivated to do anything; this is entirely unlike me. I'm going to attribute my lackadaisical mindset to the odd amount of down time I have until the internship starts. . . I'm sure things will pick up then for certain.

Nevertheless, I am not the kind of person who can just "relax." I don't relax. Ever. So, in addition to watching Dexter, I'm going to continue my "summer-after-college" tradition of watching movise that I said, Hell no, you moron. I can't watch a movie, because that would be fun. I'm don't have fun. You're trying to distract me! to during the school year.

First on the list is: American Beauty, followed by Hard 8.

As far as reading goes, I'll have to gather those thoughts tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll wake up before 1pm. That would be a good start. . . yeah, you should probably go back and read the beginning of the post to understand my critical dilemma.

Ciao for now.

Quite Unsettling.

WOW. I think it would be far too cliche to say that 'time flies,' so: it seems like just a week ago that I moved into Maclellan/Rymer for the first time on a new hall and started my sophomore year at Covenant. This year has been better than last, but I feel somewhat unfinished right now, which is probably why I'm up so late blogging about it.

I thrive on relationships with others, and I feel that this year has been really solid in that aspect. I've been able to harness new relationships and seriously strengthen and better old ones. I've also had the misfortune of severing relationships. But, I can honestly say that now, now that I'm at the end of this awkward cluster of time, I see benefits in all of these things. I see how God has blessed the pruning of my relationships. It hurt so incredibly deeply at the time, but now that I'm slightly, and yes I mean slightly, over the hump, God has revealed some of his glory. Crazy.

I digress from my point. Anyway, I just feel moderately unsettled. I'm not sure what that feeling means, or if I even need to devote any mental processing to such a task; it's just odd.

Weak Week.

This week. . .

I had three coffee dates in one day, all of which were amazing.
I got three hours of sleep two nights in a row and operated purely on coffee.
I Skyped with a brother in France :)
I freaked out about getting/not getting offered RA.
I was blessed to NOT have to take an exam because of random snow.
I owned a Cognitive Psychology exam.
I was depressed for no reason.
I argued with others and worked things out.
I was shocked by how not involved in the lives of others that I am.
God really used a significant brother to speak truth into my life.
I responded selfishly and immaturely.
I am more aware of my sin.
I was offered the RA position on Sutherland for next year.
My best friend and roommate was also offered the RA position.
Then I freaked out about getting offered RA (in a bad way).

I realized that sometimes getting what I want can be really, really sobering.

αγάπη.

Love.

It's tattooed on my right wrist. But I have no idea what it means. And I'm realizing that more every day.

So, I ask myself, why the reminder of that which I don't understand? Exactly. I need to be reminded every day that I don't understand what I need the most. Read on.

I've been having a difficult time lately for multiple reasons. My coping strategy (when I'm in my right mind) is to journal. I process by writing. Well, I got to a point in my writing where I was able to admit to myself that I operate out of fear much of the time. Then I listed my fears. I stopped after I realized that I may run out of paper (I really like my current journal). I fear failure, I fear the disapproval of those I care about, I fear rejection, I fear being alone, I fear not knowing what's coming next.

Surprisingly, I was in my right mind, so I thought. What does Jesus have to say about these fears? Well, I read Matthew 6, but it wasn't until I had coffee today with a dear brother that I realized the most important concept Jesus has to offer concerning fear in this passage:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)

What does this mean? It means that I need to seek God and have confidence in the fact that His cloak of righteousness has been attributed to me, even in my depravity. I have the ability to love through Jesus. I have the opportunity to be a lover and a recipient of love if I seek his righteousness. But I haven't been taking advantage of this opportunity. . .

All I can do is praise God for answer to prayers. He really provided for me today in the form of speaking truth through good friends. I was able to be honest and receive rebuke because of Jesus working through one individual. I was able to taste a little of God's love for me. It's sweet nectar. How could I go after anything else? Why would I go after anything else?

Jesus, please give me the ability to see you and you only. Enable me to seek your righteousness and operate out of love, not fear of the created or of man. Amen.

Answers.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12.4-11