"You'll understand more next year."
As someone who really likes to know everything, this statement bugged the hell out of me during my Junior year. Many of my friends were Seniors, and I found myself unable to completely relate and empathize with them about what graduating from Covenant really meant. I also find empathy and relating with others to be my strong suit, so it was an even larger blow to my pride to be completely stumped at what to say when these close brothers and sisters were telling me about the fear, uncertainty, and frustration they were encountering.
Fast forward one year.
Ohhh. I get it now. You mean, walking across the stage and getting that sheet of paper (which is really just a sheet of paper -- you have to go "backstage" and get your real diploma afterwards) doesn't mean you're set for a while? Let's be honest. I like to have all my ducks in a row at all time. I'm a planner. I'm organized. I'm Type-A, and I'm damn good at it. But this... this has been a huge lesson in humility and contentment.
I will say that some aspects of graduating that people told me would be difficult probably are not going to hold the same weight for me (buying groceries, cooking, paying rent). I haven't lived at home since high school. But the deeper issues of where my significance is found, pride, and situational discontentment are still stumping me.
On the morning of May 6th, as I looked around my packed room on Lookout Mountain, I could just feel it. "Oh no. You just graduated from college and are about to undergo a whole bunch of change. Bring on the existential crisis." Yes, I'm dramatic and I don't deal well with change, so I kinda knew this was coming anyway, but that didn't help me while I was in the middle of it. The two weeks after graduation were a bit of a blur. I was really depressed. I didn't want to see anyone or do much of anything because I was lost in my thoughts and my own world of discontentment. "What does this stupid sheet of paper that says "Bachelor of Arts" really mean? Why am I not going to graduate school in the fall? Why am I living in Chattanooga, of all places? I'm really smart, my GPA is really high, my resume is baller-status, and I did a ton of extra-curriculars -- why don't I have a full time job?" I couldn't stop thinking about all of this and how miserable I was to not be doing "significant" things. Let's be honest, it's much easier to tell someone that you're interning at Yale for the summer than to tell them that you're a recent college grad with a degree in Psychology, looking for work. The former tends to roll off the tongue with greater ease.
If you're looking me to give you a wonderfully positive answer to those philosophical and real-world questions, then you're looking in the wrong place. I'm not going to give you some cliche, Christianese bullshit about how this time in my life is all within God's plan because I'm his child and he has a wonderful plan for my life, blah, blah. Truth is, I really don't know the answers to those questions, and I'm still in a bit of an existential crisis. But I'm coming out of the emotional and mental slump I was in. Why? Because I've got some damn good people in my life who have reminded me that I am loved and accepted by Him no matter what I do. Even if I feel like I'm wasting my time (which I still do think, by the way). Also, I'm starting to see this "floating," or "in-between time" as an opportunity to grow in personal humility, which I truly need to seek after if I really seek to be of great use in the Kingdom. My own pride and desire for significance in the eyes of man is a huge impediment in my ability to recognize my significance in His eyes. This is temporal. Ah. A stanza from "Only One Life, Twill Soon Be Past" by C.T. Studd comes to mind:
Give me Father, a purpose deep,
In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e’er the strife,
Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.
That's basically my prayer right now. God has been faithful to me over the past month and a half, even though I've been questioning His every move in my Life. I guess that means He's going to be faithful in the future -- at least that's what I tell other people.
Everything's definitely not perfect right now, and I'm still wrestling with God regarding some of those questions I mentioned above (and more). And it's a HUGE blow to my ever-growing ego to not be doing something I can brag about to others. But, right now, in this fleeting moment, I'm clinging to the truth that my significance is found in Him, and Him resurrected, and not in what I do.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Confessions/Revelations of an R.A., Part I
From R.A. to R.A.
I take the name of this blog entry from Olivia Perry’s old blog from when she was an RA. I just needed to give her props for that.
WARNING: This blog may be rather scattered and non-sequential, so please bear with me.
Over the past two months I transitioned from an R.A. to an R.A. R.A. in the former sense refers to my life as a fairly independent Research Assistant at a rather large university. However, in the latter sense, R.A. means Resident Assistant of Sutherland at Covenant College.
Despite the acronymic consistency in these roles, there is little that the two share in common. Given this, I have been asking myself several questions: Which do I enjoy more? Which is more difficult? Which challenges me more?
I’ve discovered that there is seriously no comparison and subsequently no answer to any of these questions. Being a Research Assistant gives you strict boundaries of what you’re supposed to do: go into the lab, do work, get pissed at the computer program that isn’t working correctly, go to lunch, run subjects, and go home. But being a Resident Assistant does not allow for this consistency. On the other hand, my time as a Research Assistant was much more academically and professionally challenging than right now; it’s nice to be at college and not be concerned with classes ☺
Life is crazy, but it is so, so, so very blessed. I’m a fan.
Since my mind operates in lists and check-marks, this list should give you an idea of how I’m doing:
1. You think you know, but you have no idea. . . really rings clear in my mind right now. Thank you MTV.
2. Did you know?! When your R.A. asks you to have a meal with him/her, 97% of the time it’s probably not because you did something wrong or because of disciplinary reasons. It’s probably because your R.A. genuinely wants to get to know you better. In fact, that’s one of the reasons your R.A. was hired! Because he/she person sees the importance of student development and investing in the lives of others! We’re not “paid friends.” Imagine that.
3. Being an R.A. provides a way for Satan to isolate you. You must be humble and allow yourself to be loved or you will die a slow and painful spiritual and emotional death. Sorry for the macabre description, but it’s very true.
4. I understand why my past R.A.’s did some of the things they did and I respect them more for it now.
5. I don’t think anyone can understand what it’s like to be an R.A. unless you are an R.A. I know I didn’t (see #1).
6. Being an R.A. really makes you realize that you’re not the sh*t and that you can learn from and be blessed by people you’re leading. The humility in leadership I have experienced is so beautiful and is one way Yahweh has loved me recently.
7. I like the creativity and imagination that being an R.A. requires. My mind is being stretched in cool ways.
8. Did you know?! Don’t be afraid to challenge, call out, ask questions to, or pray with your R.A. We all need these varied encouragements. Your R.A. is just as broken and screwed up as you think you are. And if you don’t think you are, look to the Gospel.
9. I have really grown to love and cherish my relationships with my friends not on my hall. I think God is using this experience to encourage me to not take these people for granted anymore. Thank you Alex, Tim, Josh, Jackson, Febre, Bergs, Beth, Austin, Anne, Snuggs, Jon, and anyone else I missed. You all have really shown me the love of Christ in different and truly beautiful ways.
10. It’s really difficult for me to allow myself to be loved, but I think God is growing me in this way. I’m getting better at letting my guard down when appropriate.
To be continued. . .
I take the name of this blog entry from Olivia Perry’s old blog from when she was an RA. I just needed to give her props for that.
WARNING: This blog may be rather scattered and non-sequential, so please bear with me.
Over the past two months I transitioned from an R.A. to an R.A. R.A. in the former sense refers to my life as a fairly independent Research Assistant at a rather large university. However, in the latter sense, R.A. means Resident Assistant of Sutherland at Covenant College.
Despite the acronymic consistency in these roles, there is little that the two share in common. Given this, I have been asking myself several questions: Which do I enjoy more? Which is more difficult? Which challenges me more?
I’ve discovered that there is seriously no comparison and subsequently no answer to any of these questions. Being a Research Assistant gives you strict boundaries of what you’re supposed to do: go into the lab, do work, get pissed at the computer program that isn’t working correctly, go to lunch, run subjects, and go home. But being a Resident Assistant does not allow for this consistency. On the other hand, my time as a Research Assistant was much more academically and professionally challenging than right now; it’s nice to be at college and not be concerned with classes ☺
Life is crazy, but it is so, so, so very blessed. I’m a fan.
Since my mind operates in lists and check-marks, this list should give you an idea of how I’m doing:
1. You think you know, but you have no idea. . . really rings clear in my mind right now. Thank you MTV.
2. Did you know?! When your R.A. asks you to have a meal with him/her, 97% of the time it’s probably not because you did something wrong or because of disciplinary reasons. It’s probably because your R.A. genuinely wants to get to know you better. In fact, that’s one of the reasons your R.A. was hired! Because he/she person sees the importance of student development and investing in the lives of others! We’re not “paid friends.” Imagine that.
3. Being an R.A. provides a way for Satan to isolate you. You must be humble and allow yourself to be loved or you will die a slow and painful spiritual and emotional death. Sorry for the macabre description, but it’s very true.
4. I understand why my past R.A.’s did some of the things they did and I respect them more for it now.
5. I don’t think anyone can understand what it’s like to be an R.A. unless you are an R.A. I know I didn’t (see #1).
6. Being an R.A. really makes you realize that you’re not the sh*t and that you can learn from and be blessed by people you’re leading. The humility in leadership I have experienced is so beautiful and is one way Yahweh has loved me recently.
7. I like the creativity and imagination that being an R.A. requires. My mind is being stretched in cool ways.
8. Did you know?! Don’t be afraid to challenge, call out, ask questions to, or pray with your R.A. We all need these varied encouragements. Your R.A. is just as broken and screwed up as you think you are. And if you don’t think you are, look to the Gospel.
9. I have really grown to love and cherish my relationships with my friends not on my hall. I think God is using this experience to encourage me to not take these people for granted anymore. Thank you Alex, Tim, Josh, Jackson, Febre, Bergs, Beth, Austin, Anne, Snuggs, Jon, and anyone else I missed. You all have really shown me the love of Christ in different and truly beautiful ways.
10. It’s really difficult for me to allow myself to be loved, but I think God is growing me in this way. I’m getting better at letting my guard down when appropriate.
To be continued. . .
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Malleability of Fashion.
Things that were cool, but aren’t cool anymore.
- Baggy jeans
- Velour jumpsuits
- Fohawks -->
(See excessive hair gel for a similar explanation)
- Colored contact lenses -->
I will admit, when I was going through one of my 202130938 identity crises, I fell into this one. I was thinking, “why do all my white friends have cool colored eyes!?” And then I probably listened to a Sum41 song and wrote an angry poem. All that to say, just be satisfied with your eye color.
- Acid washed jeans
Things that were cool, became not cool, and are now cool again.
- Jorts
Skinny jeans
- Film cameras
- Polaroid cameras
- Ray-bans
- Your grandmother’s glasses
-Getting preggo at age 12 -->
From my understanding, getting married and then having children at an extremely young age was the norm (my grandmother had my uncle at age 14 – she was married). Then came the women’s rights movement and the advocacy of “the pill” and other forms of birth control. But now, the general mindset is, “Morals? Condoms? What are you talking about? I’m 12 and I am more than ready to have my own tv sho… baby.” Idiots. Hopefully we can move this one into the “not cool” category soon.
- Being black -->
I’ll keep this one short: Africa was chill, then slavery wasn’t, and now that it’s cool to be tan, “have black friends,” adopt little black babies (just wait until Brangelina has to fix that girl’s nappy head of hair), and support Obama… boom. Black people, we have arrived. Soak it in, because it’s back to the soul food kitchen for you as soon as soon as Obama does something to piss everyone off.
- 90s Fashion
- Being Jewish
Things that were never cool, and thank God, will never be cool.
- Socks with sandals
- Tramp stamps (or the male counterpart, champ stamps)
- Fanny packs
- ED HARDY -->
If I wanted to wear to have skulls, roses, and thorns all intertwined with glitter and sequins on my t-shirt, I would drive to Myrtle Beach and buy a trashy “Biker Week” commemorative t-shirt. I don’t understand how/why this crap ever became popular. I mean, do you really want to wear a brand supported by Jon Gosselin? He’s got 8 kids and baby-mama addicted to fame and botox. AWESOME ROLE MODEL.
Things that most of us thought were cool, but understand to never be cool. Ever.
-Excessive hair gel -->
I recently witnessed a young, gangly teenage boy with gelled spikes all over his head. Needless to say, I would love to be there 10 years down the road when he sees pictures of his poor, teenage angst ridden decision. Growing up is tragically beautiful.
- Hot Topic
- Milli Vanilli
I know I can’t speak for everyone, but I was in the airport earlier today and I saw someone with jorts and I decided to write about it. And it all developed into this blog post.
Ciao for now.
- Baggy jeans
- Velour jumpsuits
- Fohawks -->
(See excessive hair gel for a similar explanation)
- Colored contact lenses -->
I will admit, when I was going through one of my 202130938 identity crises, I fell into this one. I was thinking, “why do all my white friends have cool colored eyes!?” And then I probably listened to a Sum41 song and wrote an angry poem. All that to say, just be satisfied with your eye color.
- Acid washed jeans
Things that were cool, became not cool, and are now cool again.
- Jorts
Skinny jeans
- Film cameras
- Polaroid cameras
- Ray-bans
- Your grandmother’s glasses
-Getting preggo at age 12 -->
From my understanding, getting married and then having children at an extremely young age was the norm (my grandmother had my uncle at age 14 – she was married). Then came the women’s rights movement and the advocacy of “the pill” and other forms of birth control. But now, the general mindset is, “Morals? Condoms? What are you talking about? I’m 12 and I am more than ready to have my own tv sho… baby.” Idiots. Hopefully we can move this one into the “not cool” category soon.
- Being black -->
I’ll keep this one short: Africa was chill, then slavery wasn’t, and now that it’s cool to be tan, “have black friends,” adopt little black babies (just wait until Brangelina has to fix that girl’s nappy head of hair), and support Obama… boom. Black people, we have arrived. Soak it in, because it’s back to the soul food kitchen for you as soon as soon as Obama does something to piss everyone off.
- 90s Fashion
- Being Jewish
Things that were never cool, and thank God, will never be cool.
- Socks with sandals
- Tramp stamps (or the male counterpart, champ stamps)
- Fanny packs
- ED HARDY -->
If I wanted to wear to have skulls, roses, and thorns all intertwined with glitter and sequins on my t-shirt, I would drive to Myrtle Beach and buy a trashy “Biker Week” commemorative t-shirt. I don’t understand how/why this crap ever became popular. I mean, do you really want to wear a brand supported by Jon Gosselin? He’s got 8 kids and baby-mama addicted to fame and botox. AWESOME ROLE MODEL.
Things that most of us thought were cool, but understand to never be cool. Ever.
-Excessive hair gel -->
I recently witnessed a young, gangly teenage boy with gelled spikes all over his head. Needless to say, I would love to be there 10 years down the road when he sees pictures of his poor, teenage angst ridden decision. Growing up is tragically beautiful.
- Hot Topic
- Milli Vanilli
I know I can’t speak for everyone, but I was in the airport earlier today and I saw someone with jorts and I decided to write about it. And it all developed into this blog post.
Ciao for now.
Monday, July 12, 2010
"Coffee is the medium by which all things good are cultivated."
Ok. Maybe that's not the exact quote. But it got your attention, right?
But let's be honest. Coffee is like sweet elixer to my mind, body, and soul. I love everything about it... the smell, the taste, the warmth, sometimes the coldness... ahh... (As I thought about what to say in this next sentence, I was going to place my rankings of priorities in life, but I think that a number of people would be appalled by how high up coffee ranks. So, I'll keep that to myself.)
Yes, I admit I have a problem... blah, blah, blah. Whatever. People don't realize that one of the most important things about doing something about a problem you have is that you have to care that you have a problem. I have a problem (chemical dependency) and I don't care. In my opinion, things could be worse. Everyone has a vice. Some people are addicted to crack cocaine (similar "peppy" effects). I've just chosen an addiction that is common and in high demand EVERYWHERE.
I could talk about coffee for days (I'm at a coffee shop right now)... but I'll close with this: Morning people wake up ready to start the day with a good breakfast, Ke$ha wakes up in the morning feelin' like P. Diddy, and I wake up in the morning only craving a Venti Starbucks Double Shot on ice. It's all relatively the same.
Anyway, since this is my personal blog, I should talk about my life. In short: it's awesome and I can't complain. I'm sure I have related this before, but I am so thankful to God for this summer. It has been absolutely incredible and I am blessed beyond belief. It's come with it's fair share of struggles (mainly bouts with loneliness and a ton of intellectual/philosophical mind-debates), but I feel that every moment of my life up to this point has been preparing me for everything I am encountering this summer (specifically in St. Louis).
Last weekend I was a groomsman in the wedding of two of my oldest and closest friends. It was incredible. I cannot explain how much I was blessed by that weekend. You could just feel the Holy Spirit moving as two Godly families came together with loving friends and other loved ones to get Tim & Katie hitched :) Also, if you're wondering: Yes, I cried. Tears typically don't come out of my face like that because I lack a proper outlet for emotions (different day, different blog), but I was just overtaken by the emphasis of the covenant of marriage. It's just too beautiful for words. It also meant even more to me because I've known these people for 6+ years. I have literally been able to witness God work in their lives in the past to bring to them to the present. So yes, I cried. I cried tears of joy.
But, I will admit. I am not a good crier. My nose runs, the tears get in my mouth, which makes my mouth water from the salt content, which makes me self-conscious, etc. It's bad. Let's revisit a moment from after the ceremony, shall we?
Jess: Oh Hope, I heard you crying during the ceremony! :)
Hope: Um no, that was Rashad.
Katherine: Yeah I kept nudging him to SHUT UP!
Rashad: LEAVE ME ALONE I'M JUST REALLY HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!!
This is my life ^
Ok this is the last thing I'm going to say about the wedding: it was also a blessing because I was able to get to know a guy I admire and have a ton of respect for. It's weird. We were friends before, but now I feel like we're "legit" friends (if that makes sense), and that's always a blessing.
IN OTHER NEWS... I have exactly one month left until I head back to Covenant for RA training. This means I have even less time in St. Louis :( and that I will be going to Europe with Felton quite soon :). AND next weekend I'm going to another wedding in Florida (flying this time). Wahoooo!!! I'd be even more excited if it wasn't for the bloody oil spill.
Going back to being RA. . . I am SO excited. I miss Sutherland. I can't wait to get back on the hall and live in a community of guys again. There's something about it that's so spiritually unique and fulfilling to my soul.
Speaking of soul, Lauryn Hill is recording new music and everyone should be excited.
I can't wait to get back into taking voice lessons and singing again. And playing piano. I miss making music so much. I need it.
Well, time to leave Coffee Cartel. Ciao.
But let's be honest. Coffee is like sweet elixer to my mind, body, and soul. I love everything about it... the smell, the taste, the warmth, sometimes the coldness... ahh... (As I thought about what to say in this next sentence, I was going to place my rankings of priorities in life, but I think that a number of people would be appalled by how high up coffee ranks. So, I'll keep that to myself.)
Yes, I admit I have a problem... blah, blah, blah. Whatever. People don't realize that one of the most important things about doing something about a problem you have is that you have to care that you have a problem. I have a problem (chemical dependency) and I don't care. In my opinion, things could be worse. Everyone has a vice. Some people are addicted to crack cocaine (similar "peppy" effects). I've just chosen an addiction that is common and in high demand EVERYWHERE.
I could talk about coffee for days (I'm at a coffee shop right now)... but I'll close with this: Morning people wake up ready to start the day with a good breakfast, Ke$ha wakes up in the morning feelin' like P. Diddy, and I wake up in the morning only craving a Venti Starbucks Double Shot on ice. It's all relatively the same.
Anyway, since this is my personal blog, I should talk about my life. In short: it's awesome and I can't complain. I'm sure I have related this before, but I am so thankful to God for this summer. It has been absolutely incredible and I am blessed beyond belief. It's come with it's fair share of struggles (mainly bouts with loneliness and a ton of intellectual/philosophical mind-debates), but I feel that every moment of my life up to this point has been preparing me for everything I am encountering this summer (specifically in St. Louis).
Last weekend I was a groomsman in the wedding of two of my oldest and closest friends. It was incredible. I cannot explain how much I was blessed by that weekend. You could just feel the Holy Spirit moving as two Godly families came together with loving friends and other loved ones to get Tim & Katie hitched :) Also, if you're wondering: Yes, I cried. Tears typically don't come out of my face like that because I lack a proper outlet for emotions (different day, different blog), but I was just overtaken by the emphasis of the covenant of marriage. It's just too beautiful for words. It also meant even more to me because I've known these people for 6+ years. I have literally been able to witness God work in their lives in the past to bring to them to the present. So yes, I cried. I cried tears of joy.
But, I will admit. I am not a good crier. My nose runs, the tears get in my mouth, which makes my mouth water from the salt content, which makes me self-conscious, etc. It's bad. Let's revisit a moment from after the ceremony, shall we?
Jess: Oh Hope, I heard you crying during the ceremony! :)
Hope: Um no, that was Rashad.
Katherine: Yeah I kept nudging him to SHUT UP!
Rashad: LEAVE ME ALONE I'M JUST REALLY HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!!
This is my life ^
Ok this is the last thing I'm going to say about the wedding: it was also a blessing because I was able to get to know a guy I admire and have a ton of respect for. It's weird. We were friends before, but now I feel like we're "legit" friends (if that makes sense), and that's always a blessing.
IN OTHER NEWS... I have exactly one month left until I head back to Covenant for RA training. This means I have even less time in St. Louis :( and that I will be going to Europe with Felton quite soon :). AND next weekend I'm going to another wedding in Florida (flying this time). Wahoooo!!! I'd be even more excited if it wasn't for the bloody oil spill.
Going back to being RA. . . I am SO excited. I miss Sutherland. I can't wait to get back on the hall and live in a community of guys again. There's something about it that's so spiritually unique and fulfilling to my soul.
Speaking of soul, Lauryn Hill is recording new music and everyone should be excited.
I can't wait to get back into taking voice lessons and singing again. And playing piano. I miss making music so much. I need it.
Well, time to leave Coffee Cartel. Ciao.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Lately.
Wow, I haven't blogged in a while. Actually, you know who hasn't blogged in a longer time? Hannah Vanbiber. She must think that no one wants to hear about her life since she isn't in England anymore. She also claims to be "busy" being in Jamaica, New Orleans, and Florida. Lies. All lies.
Anyway, I have been enjoying life here in St. Louis, and I feel that God has been especially gracious to me. It's difficult for me to adjust from being in Christian education (and some form of Christian community) my whole life (what a sheltered life I lead) to a secular environment. It's good for me to be exposed to different worldviews and stand my ground in my faith; I feel like this is what WCCS tried to do and what Covenant does well. I don't want to make myself sound like a hero, like I have valiently done battle with the evil, ungodly world and won, because that would not be painting an accurate picture of the work Christ is currently doing in my life. He has placed me in a good mindset to be able to discern truth from lies. I have never seen the statement, "all truth is God's truth," come more alive than I have during my time thus far at WashU. Doing science can be tricky, what with the theory of evolution practically accepted as a theorem, and the humanism that runs rampant through laboratories. But, all of my time in the lab working with older adults has taught me that all of it points to an immaculate Creator-God. One whom loves those He has graciously made in His own image.
While I enjoy being here, and I find it a HUGE blessing to have this internship. I can't help but feel a certain yearning for my community of believers back home. I think that my loneliness in that arena has stunted me from branching out into community here. I pray that will change soon (as soon as I return from the wedding of two of my closest, oldest friends :)). But last night, I missed some things.
I miss having one-on-one, face-to-face conversations with my best friend.
I miss going on dates.
I miss late night conversations with 214 that usually end in heterosexual cuddling.
I miss 214 in general.
I miss Sutherland.
I miss silently judging Ben for his excessive cursing.
I miss violently threatening Ben's life daily.
I miss Casey making up rumors about me and referring to me as "Rashad girl."
I miss people making fun of how ridiculous I am.
I miss Destany. Enough said.
I miss Anne coming up and telling me about something hilarious in her day that would ONLY happen to her.
I miss Bergs watching me through her creeper windows and texting me, "where are you going?" anytime I leave Mac/Rymer.
I miss judging excessive PDA with Sutherland.
I miss T3.
I miss sitting in Mills 270/280.
I miss having way too many coffee dates to function.
I miss nights in the Psych Commons with Austin, Bergs, and whomever else drops by.
I miss getting people to buy me food at the Blink because I spent all mine already.
I even miss being extremely angry about how much dinner sucked.
I miss Felton coming in my room and distracting me from doing anything productive.
I miss watching people as they come to that area past the salad bar and desperately look for their friends or someone cool to sit with.
I miss...
I could literally go on for hours about what I miss. It makes me remember how blessed I am and it also makes me remember how excited I will be to return to those blessings.
I should probably go to bed now. Busy day tomorrow.
Ciao for now.
Anyway, I have been enjoying life here in St. Louis, and I feel that God has been especially gracious to me. It's difficult for me to adjust from being in Christian education (and some form of Christian community) my whole life (what a sheltered life I lead) to a secular environment. It's good for me to be exposed to different worldviews and stand my ground in my faith; I feel like this is what WCCS tried to do and what Covenant does well. I don't want to make myself sound like a hero, like I have valiently done battle with the evil, ungodly world and won, because that would not be painting an accurate picture of the work Christ is currently doing in my life. He has placed me in a good mindset to be able to discern truth from lies. I have never seen the statement, "all truth is God's truth," come more alive than I have during my time thus far at WashU. Doing science can be tricky, what with the theory of evolution practically accepted as a theorem, and the humanism that runs rampant through laboratories. But, all of my time in the lab working with older adults has taught me that all of it points to an immaculate Creator-God. One whom loves those He has graciously made in His own image.
While I enjoy being here, and I find it a HUGE blessing to have this internship. I can't help but feel a certain yearning for my community of believers back home. I think that my loneliness in that arena has stunted me from branching out into community here. I pray that will change soon (as soon as I return from the wedding of two of my closest, oldest friends :)). But last night, I missed some things.
I miss having one-on-one, face-to-face conversations with my best friend.
I miss going on dates.
I miss late night conversations with 214 that usually end in heterosexual cuddling.
I miss 214 in general.
I miss Sutherland.
I miss silently judging Ben for his excessive cursing.
I miss violently threatening Ben's life daily.
I miss Casey making up rumors about me and referring to me as "Rashad girl."
I miss people making fun of how ridiculous I am.
I miss Destany. Enough said.
I miss Anne coming up and telling me about something hilarious in her day that would ONLY happen to her.
I miss Bergs watching me through her creeper windows and texting me, "where are you going?" anytime I leave Mac/Rymer.
I miss judging excessive PDA with Sutherland.
I miss T3.
I miss sitting in Mills 270/280.
I miss having way too many coffee dates to function.
I miss nights in the Psych Commons with Austin, Bergs, and whomever else drops by.
I miss getting people to buy me food at the Blink because I spent all mine already.
I even miss being extremely angry about how much dinner sucked.
I miss Felton coming in my room and distracting me from doing anything productive.
I miss watching people as they come to that area past the salad bar and desperately look for their friends or someone cool to sit with.
I miss...
I could literally go on for hours about what I miss. It makes me remember how blessed I am and it also makes me remember how excited I will be to return to those blessings.
I should probably go to bed now. Busy day tomorrow.
Ciao for now.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
This is Regret.
Margot: Why'd you do it? Because of me?
Richie: Yeah, but it's not your fault.
Margot: You're not going to do it again, are you?
Richie: I doubt it.
[Margot starts to cry]
~ The Royal Tenenbaums
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Blessings.
Currently listening to: The Fame Monster by Lady Gaga
My realizations of just how much God has richly blessed me are just now starting to sink in. I have a wonderful internship in my field of study, I have stable relationships with people who love me and for whom that deep love is reciprocated, and God has been answering prayers left and right. I don't think I would have said any of this last summer. Of course, in hindsight, last summer was a time of growing because of the difficulties that accompanied the situations I encountered. But, it's also good to be able to see growth while the growing is occurring. No, this is not always the case; but damn, is it nice to breathe for a change. So often in my life, I feel that I have barely kept my head above water. . . I'm constantly gasping for breath, sometimes even holding it. But right now, God has given me rest and peace through Him. Also, and most importantly, I am confident that He is slowly but surely molding me into His likeness.
All of the things I stated above may seem like common sense to the mature, experienced, Reformed Christian. But, keep in mind: I am young; I am a cynic; and I am a pessimist. That being said, I'm shocked at the words that I'm typing are actually "looking on the bright side." It's quite atypical.
Looking back on my first week in a novel environment, these things have stuck out to me specifically and have greatly enriched and blessed me:
1. I received a long email from a friend earlier this week. I don't know this friend extremely well, but God really used his words to bless me. I can't even really explain it, it just meant a lot. I always look forward to getting to know Godly men on a deeper level, and hopefully this will be the case.
2. I had an excellent time smoking hookah and opening up to a good friend last night. I typically don't open up easily, but I also know that vulnerability breeds vulnerability. So hopefully, this relationship will continue to deepen and God would bless it.
3. Mac/Rymer RA staff is going to be awesome. That's all I have to say.
4. I am certain that Psychology is what I want to do and what I am called to right now. That is comforting.
Ciao for now :)
My realizations of just how much God has richly blessed me are just now starting to sink in. I have a wonderful internship in my field of study, I have stable relationships with people who love me and for whom that deep love is reciprocated, and God has been answering prayers left and right. I don't think I would have said any of this last summer. Of course, in hindsight, last summer was a time of growing because of the difficulties that accompanied the situations I encountered. But, it's also good to be able to see growth while the growing is occurring. No, this is not always the case; but damn, is it nice to breathe for a change. So often in my life, I feel that I have barely kept my head above water. . . I'm constantly gasping for breath, sometimes even holding it. But right now, God has given me rest and peace through Him. Also, and most importantly, I am confident that He is slowly but surely molding me into His likeness.
All of the things I stated above may seem like common sense to the mature, experienced, Reformed Christian. But, keep in mind: I am young; I am a cynic; and I am a pessimist. That being said, I'm shocked at the words that I'm typing are actually "looking on the bright side." It's quite atypical.
Looking back on my first week in a novel environment, these things have stuck out to me specifically and have greatly enriched and blessed me:
1. I received a long email from a friend earlier this week. I don't know this friend extremely well, but God really used his words to bless me. I can't even really explain it, it just meant a lot. I always look forward to getting to know Godly men on a deeper level, and hopefully this will be the case.
2. I had an excellent time smoking hookah and opening up to a good friend last night. I typically don't open up easily, but I also know that vulnerability breeds vulnerability. So hopefully, this relationship will continue to deepen and God would bless it.
3. Mac/Rymer RA staff is going to be awesome. That's all I have to say.
4. I am certain that Psychology is what I want to do and what I am called to right now. That is comforting.
Ciao for now :)
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