Lately.

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while. Actually, you know who hasn't blogged in a longer time? Hannah Vanbiber. She must think that no one wants to hear about her life since she isn't in England anymore. She also claims to be "busy" being in Jamaica, New Orleans, and Florida. Lies. All lies.

Anyway, I have been enjoying life here in St. Louis, and I feel that God has been especially gracious to me. It's difficult for me to adjust from being in Christian education (and some form of Christian community) my whole life (what a sheltered life I lead) to a secular environment. It's good for me to be exposed to different worldviews and stand my ground in my faith; I feel like this is what WCCS tried to do and what Covenant does well. I don't want to make myself sound like a hero, like I have valiently done battle with the evil, ungodly world and won, because that would not be painting an accurate picture of the work Christ is currently doing in my life. He has placed me in a good mindset to be able to discern truth from lies. I have never seen the statement, "all truth is God's truth," come more alive than I have during my time thus far at WashU. Doing science can be tricky, what with the theory of evolution practically accepted as a theorem, and the humanism that runs rampant through laboratories. But, all of my time in the lab working with older adults has taught me that all of it points to an immaculate Creator-God. One whom loves those He has graciously made in His own image.

While I enjoy being here, and I find it a HUGE blessing to have this internship. I can't help but feel a certain yearning for my community of believers back home. I think that my loneliness in that arena has stunted me from branching out into community here. I pray that will change soon (as soon as I return from the wedding of two of my closest, oldest friends :)). But last night, I missed some things.

I miss having one-on-one, face-to-face conversations with my best friend.
I miss going on dates.
I miss late night conversations with 214 that usually end in heterosexual cuddling.
I miss 214 in general.
I miss Sutherland.
I miss silently judging Ben for his excessive cursing.
I miss violently threatening Ben's life daily.
I miss Casey making up rumors about me and referring to me as "Rashad girl."
I miss people making fun of how ridiculous I am.
I miss Destany. Enough said.
I miss Anne coming up and telling me about something hilarious in her day that would ONLY happen to her.
I miss Bergs watching me through her creeper windows and texting me, "where are you going?" anytime I leave Mac/Rymer.
I miss judging excessive PDA with Sutherland.
I miss T3.
I miss sitting in Mills 270/280.
I miss having way too many coffee dates to function.
I miss nights in the Psych Commons with Austin, Bergs, and whomever else drops by.
I miss getting people to buy me food at the Blink because I spent all mine already.
I even miss being extremely angry about how much dinner sucked.
I miss Felton coming in my room and distracting me from doing anything productive.
I miss watching people as they come to that area past the salad bar and desperately look for their friends or someone cool to sit with.
I miss...

I could literally go on for hours about what I miss. It makes me remember how blessed I am and it also makes me remember how excited I will be to return to those blessings.

I should probably go to bed now. Busy day tomorrow.

Ciao for now.

This is Regret.

Margot: Why'd you do it? Because of me?
Richie: Yeah, but it's not your fault.
Margot: You're not going to do it again, are you?
Richie: I doubt it.
[Margot starts to cry]

~ The Royal Tenenbaums

Blessings.

Currently listening to: The Fame Monster by Lady Gaga

My realizations of just how much God has richly blessed me are just now starting to sink in. I have a wonderful internship in my field of study, I have stable relationships with people who love me and for whom that deep love is reciprocated, and God has been answering prayers left and right. I don't think I would have said any of this last summer. Of course, in hindsight, last summer was a time of growing because of the difficulties that accompanied the situations I encountered. But, it's also good to be able to see growth while the growing is occurring. No, this is not always the case; but damn, is it nice to breathe for a change. So often in my life, I feel that I have barely kept my head above water. . . I'm constantly gasping for breath, sometimes even holding it. But right now, God has given me rest and peace through Him. Also, and most importantly, I am confident that He is slowly but surely molding me into His likeness.

All of the things I stated above may seem like common sense to the mature, experienced, Reformed Christian. But, keep in mind: I am young; I am a cynic; and I am a pessimist. That being said, I'm shocked at the words that I'm typing are actually "looking on the bright side." It's quite atypical.

Looking back on my first week in a novel environment, these things have stuck out to me specifically and have greatly enriched and blessed me:

1. I received a long email from a friend earlier this week. I don't know this friend extremely well, but God really used his words to bless me. I can't even really explain it, it just meant a lot. I always look forward to getting to know Godly men on a deeper level, and hopefully this will be the case.

2. I had an excellent time smoking hookah and opening up to a good friend last night. I typically don't open up easily, but I also know that vulnerability breeds vulnerability. So hopefully, this relationship will continue to deepen and God would bless it.

3. Mac/Rymer RA staff is going to be awesome. That's all I have to say.

4. I am certain that Psychology is what I want to do and what I am called to right now. That is comforting.

Ciao for now :)

Need to Feel.

Ok. So. I'm a pretty unemotional person. If I ever do become emotional, I cover my feelings up and never, never talk about them for fear that someone would feel sorry for me. Yes, yes, I know that this is not psychologically healthy and that I should talk about my "feelings," but I just don't like to do that. Maybe it's some masculinity complex or something. Who knows?

Anyway, the point of this blog post is that I'm admitting that I had my feelings hurt by someone I consider like a brother to me (I still do) and it's been eating at me for a while. I mean, I will definitely never talk to this brother about the hurt because it'd be inappropriate, but it's really there. I just feel really slighted, and it hurts. It'd kind of like a dull pain though. Not like the sharp pain of being "friend dumped," which I also experienced last year. No, this is more like a dull nagging pain that just bores a pinhole into your heart.

This probably doesn't make sense to most of you, but this post was mainly just for me to get something out.

Ciao.